This post will cover presently-playing cricketers. We will cover the legends in a separate post.
1) Younis Khan
Considering his retirement history, be sure to know that Younis Khan will constantly deactivate and reactivate his Twitter account. Every time he tweets something funny and his minions don’t RT him, Younis Khan would quit saying, “o yar, RT karna tha. its EASY PEASY.. par tum log nahi kartey. That’s disrespectful. GOODBYE!!!”
2) Shahid Afridi
His Twitter account will be a marathon of hits and misses. He’ll have tweets worth their weight in gold and then some tweets that make you pull your hair out. Tweets like “just took a shit” will be plenty. He will have more RTs than a cute hijabi does on a Friday for every single tweet. Women will follow him like flies follow honey.
3) Kamran Akmal
Kakmal’s twitter will be a marathon of misspelled words and DROPPED vowels. Don’t ever expect a perfect tweet from Akmal, you are bound to be disappointed. His tweets will sound like this: “Vry gud bwlig”
4) Shoaib Malik
His Twitter account will be the pride of all Pakistanis. He will talk shit about Indians and get RTed by Indians as well. Jeewey Cheetah jawaan!
5) Misbah ul Haq
He will stay on Twitter for 15 years, and produce about 7 tweets. His tweets will be excruciatingly long and boring, but they’ll be meaninful.
6) Nasir Jamshed
All his tweets will be about food. “had paaye”, “Just had ice cream”… “It’s cold, must have halwa.. burrrrrr”… His favorite food will be “Indians on a stick”
7) Saeed Ajmal
His tweets will be a mixture of old-school charm and utter genius. No one will ever troll him, for fear of being castrated with a succinct reply.
8) Umar Gul
His tweets will all be in pure pushto. No one would understand what he’s saying, but every one will understand the naswaar references.
9) Mohammad Hafeez
In line with his “Gali-ka-captain” philosophy of batting and bowling first himself, Hafeez will spend his day on twitter tweeting, replying and retweeting himself over and over again. Eventually, people will get tired of his big-headed approach to life, but he will still be loved for being successful.
10) Imran Farhat
Farhat’s tweets will be absolutely idiotic. He will tweet stuff like, “oii maaa… sardi” but will still be popular on Twitter cuz he’ll be constantly getting RTs and FFs from his uncle and father-in-law
If you have ever taken a flight from the Gulf states to Peshawar, you have no doubt encountered a distinct group of Pukhtun men on that flight. The plane is mostly full of Pukhtun workers who are going home to see their families.
First off, I have immense respect for these people. They leave their families behind, work long hours in horrid conditions, and are still able to laugh at life. They earn an honest living, which is more than I can say for many of the “enlightened” people in this world. Most of these men are uneducated, and it gives them an endearing simplicity that is impossible to find in the rest of the world.
The following is a collection of things said during my flights from the Gulf states to Peshawar over the years, with some additions from friends and family. Many of these things are said by these people for comical effect, while some are borne out of naivety.
All of these are obviously funnier in Pushto, but I’m providing a translation anyway.
1) Upon settling down in the plane, “alaka, jaaz kho kha garam de kha.. jorhey Pekhawar key yukhni da” (dude, the plane is real warm, seems like it’s cold in Peshawar)
2) The air-hostess was giving out headphones in little blue pouches, and this conversation ensued.
Guy 1: Alaka da sa di? (What is that?)
Guy 2: Daa jorhey da zrha kharaabeydo golaye dee (Seems like it’s anti-nausea medication)
3) During turbulence on the plane. “walaka, da sa kayee, jorhey jaaz calendar chalayee khaa” (dude, whatsup with that? I think the conductor is piloting the plane).
4) Dala maal parey sarey ey keynoley yum, tol grhabeygam (dammit, I’m sitting by the wing, and the ride is too bumpy)
5) Dimaagh mey crash de.. baikhee kaar na kayee, raaka yo naswaaro choondaye. (my brain has crashed completely, hand me over some naswaar).. This was followed by a packet of naswaar distributed throughout the plane.
6) Some guy got up to go to the bathroom, but was walking hands-in-pockets, with a bounce in his step.. “oh khair eee.. ogarza.. ogarza warta de jaaz key naigh naigh” (go on, go on and walk all over this plane)
7) Guy 1: Da sheesha laande ka, zrha mey kharaap de (can you roll the plane’s window down please, I’m nauseated)
Guy 2: wrak sha botala laakho, daa sa da baarhey bus de che sheesha ba ey lande keygi? da siraf pilot laande koley shee (dude, this isnt some local bus that you can just roll the window down in, only the pilot can do it).
8) Upon landing in Peshawar while it was raining outside.
Guy 1: alaka, jorhey bahar kho baraan de kha (dude, it seems like it’s raining outside)
Guy 2: na marha, baraan na de, da nawey maadal taarkol dee, da da shpey chamak wakhee (no, it isn’t raining, this is just the new charcoal that shimmers at night).
9) I almost always have to fill out Disembarkation Forms for the people around me. The most common theme among them.
a) First name: Ziaullah. Last name: Nothing. So I have to improvise and put First name Zia/Shams/Hamid, Last name: Ullah/Urrehman.
10) This happened to a friend. He was sitting next to a dude wearing two watches on the same wrist:
Friend: Kaka, da waley? da dwa garhaye sa ta? (Why are you wearing two watches?)
Guy: Da yo key da Pakistan taime de, ba de taime mey kor wala telapoon kayee, o de baley key da Saudi Arab (One has the Pakistani time, that’s the time my wife uses to call me, and the other one has Saudi’s time).
I would suggest you add your experiences in the comments, I’d love to hear about them.
Here at this blog, we love animals and their rights. Therefore, we decided to do a series of interviews with different animals. Here is an interview with an angry and disgruntled squirrel named Darnell .
Me: You threw acorns at my window for 3 days before I noticed you wanted to talk, I apologize for that.
Darnell : Yeah, bitch, you just dont listen. And then you wonder why you’re single?
Me: Whoa, no need to get hostile or personal, we’re here now, let’s just talk about you.
Darnell : Yeh, about damn time we talked about me.
Me: I see you are pissed off.
Darnell : yes I am. YES I AM.
Me: What angers you?
Darnell : Well. I’m tired of you humans being so damn fond of yourselves. Congratulating yourself for doing stupid shit every day.
Me: OK, well, why don’t you…
Darnell : STHU and let me finish. I’m pissed off because you do stupid shit man..like.. like when you see a man balancing himself on a tight-rope, you put him in a circus and watch him achieve amazing “feats of balance”
Me: Honestly, I do find that amazing and…
Darnell : Bitch I told you to not interrupt me. What I’m saying is that yall be sitting there, saying, “oh look! what amazing balance!” That aint even good. I mean, the dude is holding an umbrella. I RUN across power lines every damn day. I wake up and I run over power lines. I could be electrocuted, I could fall, and i aint got no damn umbrella for balance. I dont see you guys appreciating that!
Me: OK, so, in other words, you’d like more attention?
Darnell : Screw you and your attention. I dont want attention, I just want yall to stop pretending like walking over a tight rope is some crazy shit. I do it every damn day! You dont see me thumping my chest over it.
Me: OK, I’ll let the humans know. Is there any thing else that bothers you?
Darnell : Yes. Yes, there are other things. Like, I hear yall complaining about how we be doing it out in the open.
Me: well, it is kinda awkward looking at you guys go at it in the middle of the street.
Darnell : Then dont look bitch. Walk away! It’s not like I can just turn in some acorns to buy a condo. I gotta do it wherever I can..
Me: Well..
Darnell : STOP INTERRUPTING ME! look, do you realize how hard it is to get some action in the squirrel world? You gotta wag that tail, do some stupid ass dance and scream like a goddamn monkey to get attention? I got arthritis man, it hurts to dance. You think after all this if I got a lady interested in me, you think Imma try to find a quiet corner away from your nosy eyes?
Me: Agreed.
Darnell : Yeh, you better agree with this. BITCH!
Me: Some people are of the opinion that you squirrels are nothing but rats with fur. What do you have to say about that?
Darnell : WTF? WHO SAID THAT? TELL ME WHO?
Me: Doesnt matter. Let’s say my friend Iftikhar said it.
Darnell : Well, tell Iftikhar to STHU. What is that? Is that a Brown people name? Iftikhar? Yeh well you tell that fool that his women are as hairy as chimpanzees. Yeh, dont think I dont peek around a little.
Me: That’s a little harsh.
Darnell : Nigga you just called me a damn rat. SCREW YOU.
Me: OK then, well, the next question..
Darnell : Hold up. Is that John in my tree house? ahh goddammit you thieving bastard.. Imma shoot a cap in yo ass dammit. hold awnnn.. imma come get you…
And Darnell ran off back to his tree. We’re hoping he’ll come back to complete the interview
Terrorists from all parts of the world have made the journey to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia for the International Terrorism Council’s (ITC) 17th annual summit. The summit wasn’t scheduled to be held this year out of respect to Osama Bin Laden’s death, but was called in emegency due to the cutting-edge techniques employed by Rehman Malik to fight terrorism.
The agenda of the summit was beautifully outlined by ITC Public Relations Advisor, Molana Saifullah Chandiyo, “Look, the world is evolving and we need to do the same. We are meeting here to discuss strategies on how to inflict maximum casualties, how to avoid detection, and how to raise awareness against the evil of minorities. ”
ITC’s Senior Vice President, Awad Bin Bandook was the keynote speaker and discussed the recent developments in the terrrorism world, “Brothers, we face new challenges every day. We face challenges of high-tech surveillance, we face challenges of superior weaponry, but never before in our history have we faced the challenge posed by Rehman Malik’s recent maneuver. Personal communication is paramount to the success of our operations and Rehman Malik’s recent ban on phone service has severely impaired our suicide bombers’ ability to communicate with their hoors using night-packages the day before their scheduled detonation. Therefore, I would like to offer 3 research grants in the amount of $10,000 each to explore new avenues of terrorism and come out stronger from the back-breaking blow Rehman Malik has delivered to us”
Molana Jaleel Noorani of Sipah-e-Sahaba Pakistan shed further light on the issue saying “Look, all I wanted this Christmas was to be allowed to kill some damn shias alright. I still killed a few, but goddammit Rehman Malik took away my ability to call friends and brag about it, and I mean c’mon now, what’s terrorism if you cant call up your buddies and brag about the body count?”
Delegations from all over the world joined the summit, with the biggest delegation coming from Pakistan. There were whispers among those present that the Pakistani delegation might have brought along family members that are otherwise not covered under the ITC TA/DA rules. There were even some reports of wide-spread corruption in the appropriations of travel funds among the Pakistani delegation.
The delegation from the UK was led by Imam Zain Qutbuddin who spoke eloquently on the need for the UK Muslims to fund a project where all UK terrorists will get frosted beard-tips to blend in with the rest of the crowd. His speech was interrupted by roarous laughter when Molana Hassan Khilji got up on his table and flailed his henna-dyed orange beard as a solution to Qutbuddin’s problems.
Overal, the summit was a beautiful gathering with faces from all over the world. The day ended with a presentation titled, “Anatomy of a Hoor” containing pictures of different celebrities and their body parts and how they would fit on a typical hoor. Apparently, your regular hoor has the butt of Kim Kardashian and the face of Natalie Portman. The presentation was halted because the crowd got carried away and started taking off their clothes like it was hot. The summit ended with a “nazrana” of two suicide bombers by the Pakistani delegation. The young men screamed “Naaraa-e-Takbeer” as the crowd responded, “Tussi lang jao, saaddi khair eey” and BOOM.
According to news reports, the President of the United States of America has suspended the American Constitution and enacted Shariah Law effective immediately. In an unprecedented string of events, Barack Obama; after publicly declaring his allegiance to Islam and Allah, has directed his administration to instill and enforce the Shariah Law as a governing authority over all of American territories.
Furthermore, Obama has directed for Washington, DC to be renamed Madina, and has asked his cabinet to come up with a 3 step plan for sidelining women in positions of power and relegating them to household affairs. When asked what brought on the sudden change in his policies, Obama responded, “well, I’ve won the election and I cant run for another term, so it’s finally time for me to put my foot down and steer the American nation towards the right path”
In reaction to these developments, the Taliban have unequivocally declared Shariah Law invalid and have vowed to fight against the neo-infidels. Mullah Hafeez Kokikhel explained the decision saying, “every thing that happens in America is haraam, so obviously, Shariah law is haraam too” A senior Taliban commander, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of retribution, explained the situation further saying, “look, we have millions of young, brainwashed teenagers at our disposal that have been fed and groomed to hate America. How do we tell them now that America is on the right path and can’t be attacked anymore? Besides, funding is limited, and we have to fight for our resources, we can’t just lose enemies because they adopted our way of life” Similarly, there is widespread confusion in the ranks of Lashkar-e-Tayyiba, for there are some reports that India might follow suit and declare Shariah Law itself.
In America, the decision has been met with mixed emotions. Rev. Al Sharpton has promptly denounced the religion of Christianity and has joined a local madrassa for training. Bill O’Reilly’s head reportedly exploded on Live TV, and his body is now being charged with disturbing the peace of the TV universe.
In Pakistan, the reaction has been expectedly mixed as well, with majority hailing Obama for his courage in the face of extreme criticism, while others are admittedly cautious in their judgment. Haroon Faisal from Gujranwala has doubts about Obama’s change of heart saying, “Look, Democratic presidents are perverts. I think Obama got into it with some fat staffer, and shit hit the roof, and now he’s enacting Shariah Law to hide the affair” Furthermore, many Pakistanis based in the US have decided to move back to Pakistan. Erphan Xaheer, formerly of Islamabad has decided to move back to Pakistan saying, “o yar, listen, mujhey bohat hurt huwee yeh sun kar. Shariah Law bohat harsh hai yar, i need my entertainment in zindagi”
On the political front, Molana Fazlurrehman has reportedly dyed his beard blonde in anticipation of his emigration to the U.S (the new land of believers). Obama has promised that the war on terror will continue, especially the drone campaign, but to make the attacks more Islamic, all drone Hellfire missiles will now have “Inna Lillahe Wa Inna Ilehey Raaji’oon” (Surely we belong to God and to Him shall we return) painted on them. Similarly, Vice President Joe Biden has started to learn Arabic so he can make gaffes in more than one language now.
The whole world stands stunned at the recent developments and everyone has questions on their mind. What does it mean for the war on terrorism? What does it mean for Kim Kardashian’s butt? And more importantly, does this mean no more Lady Gaga?
People often wonder why they are so “popular” and fail at coming up with ways to be LESS popular. This post will satisfy your need to be hated on a regular basis. Follow the steps below and find yourself in public opinion hell.
1) Find a girl with 3000 followers and a pretty display picture. Say something completely irrelevant but scathingly rude and demeaning. Nothing riles up the testosterone in the followers of a pretty face like when her “honor” is attacked. You will have 500 people hating on you within minutes.
2) Troll EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!
3) Pretend to be too “burger”.. tumhey pata hai what i mean? zara idhar here, apni tolks mey english speak karna!
4) Hate on different cities. Hate on Lahore, call it LaWHORE, tell em they’re a bunch of whores. Make fun of Karachi, tell them half their population are just people spawned from Altaf Husain’s dumps. Pick on Peshawar, tell them they’re all a bunch of faggots. Pick on Pindi, tell them it’s dirty and they cant troll for shit. Don’t hate on Quetta, that’s just wrong you imbecile!
5) Say something dubiously insulting about Imran Khan.
6) Talk about how it sucks to live in Pakistan and how you’d love to get the hell out of here. Never really get out of Pakistan, just bitch about it.
7) Indulge Sen. Rehman Malik in some “gandi maa behen kee gaaliyan” Yup. Your popularity really nosedives when you’re banned from Twitter
8) If you are a man, complain about women. If you are a woman, complain about women still. If you complain about women, Twitter will take you down Guilty Road and then rape you in Oppression alley.
9) “Protect” your tweets.
10) Defend the use of drones.
Bonus #1: Be nice to @UroojZia
Bonus #2: Write blogposts pretending to be an expert on popularity.
The author, @JibbyD has years of experience in being unpopular. Believe and follow every thing he says!
Do you want 5000 followers? Do you want to be the life of the Twitter party? Do you spend your nights dreaming about twitter stardom? If your life on Twitter is boring, and you want to be more popular, following these 10 steps to success. Good luck!
1) Quote Rumi constantly. Nothing portrays your deep understanding of the world like quoting Rumi. Also, women dig it!
2) Put up pictures of poor people suffering. Every time you are out, and you see a poor guy on the side of the road going through a hardship; pop that camera and take a picture. Putting the picture up on Twitter will definitely help those in need.
3) Put up sappy life-lesson type quotes. Stuff like, “do good and be happy” or some other hippy BS. People eat that up like a fat man eating cake.
4) Put up a pretty display picture if you are a girl. If you’re ugly, put up a slutty picture of yourself. Works like a charm!
5) Figure out who you think is cool on Twitter, and then start supporting their political agenda. Tweet about it, read about it, bitch about it. Suck up to the people around you and the world will be yours young’un!
6) Become the pop-news icon. Be the newspaper for everyone around you. If you read an article about Altaf Husain taking a dump, tweet about it goddammit!
7) Talk shit about religious parties/groups. Nothing gets the crowd going like a little hoo-haa about religious atrocities.
8) Take someone’s tragedy and own it. And by owning it, I mean tweet about it, and by tweeting about it, I mean bitch about it. It will not make any difference in the life of the person you are tweeting about, but trust me, your popular-meter is going to skyrocket.
9) Become a feminist. You don’t even have to be a feminist, just pretend to be one. It doesnt even have to be something smart. Just say something stupid like, “I support women’s right to ride bicycles, because why should just guys ride them?” and BAM. Popularity! Here is the cycle. You say something feminist, the women like it and RT it, then men following said women RT it just to suck up to the women. Ride the hormonal cycle to popularity!
10) Pretend to be awesome. Tweet about how awesome your life/food/girlfriend/boyfriend/pet is. You could be a loner and have no one love you, but as long as you pretend to be awesome, people will believe it. People like fun lives, and hence the reason we watch movies. Be the hero of your life!
Note: The author, @JibbyD himself is not popular, hence this blogpost should be taken with a grain of salt. Our next installment will be about “how NOT to be popular on twitter”. Stay tuned!
The following are excerpts from the groundbreaking autobiography by famed politician Altaf Husain. The book has made it to the NYT Best Sellers list and is a wonderful read. Enjoy
Altaf Husain talks about his ancestors: “My grandparents, Hardik, and Samita Patel were slaves on a farm owned by a British landlord in Tanzania. My grandfather convinced the Black slaves around him that Patels were a lost tribe of Africa and formed the Mutahidda Slave Movement. Years of hard work and planning culminated in the slaughter of the Landlord, along with his family and brought much cherished freedom”
Altaf Husain talks about his birth and childhood: “My parents were poor and couldn’t afford health care. We didn’t have beds and slept on mattresses made of cow hide. When I was born, the mid-wife lost traction and dropped me on my head. When I fell on the cow hide, I licked it and there it was, the fascination with cow hides was born. Ever since that accident, I’ve craved for the smell of leather and yearned for its touch against my skin”
Altaf Husain on forming MQM: “When I was 19, I asked my neighbor for his cow’s hide because I was running short on kinky underwear. He flatly refused and belittled me in front of every one. I gathered a bunch of my friends, walked over to his house, beat the shit out of him and took away the hide. That was the birth of MQM. Now you may wonder what do cow hides have in common with the Mahajir cause. Let me explain it to you. A person can wrap a cow’s hide around him and feel its warmth and be comforted by it. In the same way, I am the warmth the Mahajirs have been seeking for generations. I’m the mega-cow of Mahajirs. get it?”
Altaf Husain on his Eid-ul-adha rituals: “Well, this is the fun part. After we collect all the “khaalein” in the “Skintastic” room in our headquarters, myself and the MQM senior leadership bare down to our leather underwear and proceed to indulge in a winner-takes-all wrestling match. It’s kinda like Girls Gone Wild but with middle-aged men and I always end up winning because you know, I’m the Boss Man”
Depending on how these excerpts are received among the readers, we might do another series from his book. Till then, goodbye.
Obviously, this WAS NOT written by Malala. But read on anyway. Maybe you’ll like something you see.
If you are here, you probably know my story, so I’ll cut to the chase and address the people of this world directly. Before I do that, I’d like to extend my heartfelt appreciation for all the love and dua pouring in from around the world.
1) To the men:
Dear brothers, I appreciate the love. I really do. I see you talking about how reprehensible this act of violence is and I see you voicing your hate for Taliban and all. But let us step back and think about this for a second. Why are we even talking about me here? Why am a big deal? I’m a big deal because we live in times where fathers and brothers not only discourage their women from speaking out, but are actually an impediment in their way. Every house has a Malala, you just need to stop muffling her voice!
And I entreat you my brothers. Don’t stand in vigils for me, don’t make placards and protest. Instead I want you to go make a change in the world around you. Stop objectifying women. Love them and treasure them. Cut back a little on your vanity-expenses and educate someone instead. Make an actual, measurable, physical change in your attitude towards women and their welfare. Use your imagination, use your education. Be the great men you were meant to be!
2) To the women:
Sisters, I appreciate the love. I really do. But talking about it on Twitter, or writing a blog post about me doesn’t really help anyone. If you truly believe all the great things you say about me, then bring about some change in your own self. No matter where you live in this country, you can always find someone illiterate. Take some time out of your schedule and teach someone for an hour every day. I know you love the things you buy and I wont tell you to stop. I’ll ask you to cut back a little and donate it to education. Be the women you were meant to be. Be the women of change. Don’t fall victim to a consumerist social structure that objectifies you every day. Do something great with your life, and watching Hamsafar or spending sprees doesn’t cut it.
3) To the Taliban:
Nice try guys, you have to do better than this to kill me. Maybe you’ll kill me the next time you come for me, maybe you wont. You know what you cant kill? The will of Malala, the idea of Malala, and that pain in your heart that a 14 year old girl stood her ground against you. You were born of women, and you were raised by women, and I hope someday, you’ll realize that you can’t really kill us all.
4) To the Government of Pakistan:
We are a country of great people. STOP SELLING US SHORT!
5) To the “We are Malala” crowd:
No you are not. You know why? Because you aren’t in a hospital bed right now. Actually, you aren’t even on someone’s hit list. And if you really think about it, you didn’t give a crap about my cause till I got shot. You don’t become a Malala by protesting on Twitter. Simple as that.
To the people who read this: I obviously think every one (including myself) is at fault for what Malala is going through right now. If you did something sentimental but utterly ineffective in reaction to Malala’s shooting, and I forgot to mention you, I apologize.
What you see above is a picture of the sole of a Vans shoe. Clearly marked are the religious symbols of the Christian and Jewish religion, and this shoe has single-handedly turned the world upside down for the past 3 days. Disguised as a random assortment of traction strips, this shoe has successfully taken the Star of David and The Cross and put it under the unsuspecting feet of middle class, slightly spoiled American teenagers.
The design was first noted by famed shoe expert and super-Jew Rabbi Jon Fistberg in a casual walk through a suburbian strip-mall. Fistberg angrily tweeted about his displeasure to his followers and soon, a horde of angry Jews was bumbling in the twitterosphere. Gradually, the Christians got a hold of the news and were first called into action by Rev. Al Harpton. In an official statement released through the Baltimore Church of God, Harpton was quoted as saying, “This is not only an attack on our holy symbols, but a vulgar attack at the religious sentiment of our people.
The man behind the design is Paul Assling and is reported to be a notorious anti-semite and secret Bhuddist. Interview requests to Assling have returned empty but a quick look at his past reveals a life full of controversy and hate for the majorities. First was an ad agency named Swastika Media, followed by a campaign to eradicate affluence among White Christian Americans.
Through word of text and mouth, the news spread to the less enlightened masses as copies of the picture fanned further angst at the disrespect shown to the holy symbols. The first protests were recorded in Jackson Mississippi, where hundreds of worshippers from the local Church of Divine Resurrection took to the streets to express their anger. Protesters took off their clothes because they were made in China and burned them while chanting support for White Power. Pretty soon, this congregation of naked anger realized the opportunity and proceeded to make sweet love in the open air. Considering it’s the deep South, no one is surprised at reports that some sheep were violated during protests as well.
Similarly in Brooklyn, angry Jews took to the streets and decided against burning their clothes as it maybe an absolute waste of money. Instead, they chanted slogans against the maker of the shoe and some random chants against Muslims and Palestine. Protests so far have spanned 3 continents with no loss of property, but plenty of bruised sentiment.
The situation is fragile as Assling has been taken under custody for violation of his parole amid cries for justice. Muslims around the world meanwhile, are sitting back and very surprised; that they arent involved in violent protests.
Special thanks to @Uzairktk for bringing this to our attention.
thehimgrim 